Romance

Aw…

AWWWW!!!!!  You know those little gestures made during the courting process that make your tummy flutter and your heart race and your skin flush?  It may be the flowers that make you gush and make your girlfriends become envious of.  Or maybe it’s the romantic dinner at an extravagant restaurant that makes you feel like an investment.  Perhaps, it’s the moving poetry you would never have expected from any man, much less this man.  Romantic interludes are ever so common at the beginning of relationships.  Ok, not so much in any of my relationships, but a lot of romances are built on these extravagant displays of affection.  That’s what makes love so attractive in the beginning.  When you find someone who is vehemently dedicated to exhibiting their feelings through classic methods of romanticism, both publicly and intimately, surely it means that the universe is telling you that you have found “the one.” And, as we all know by now, ignoring the universe just isn’t prudent. 

And Then…the Love Songs…

Just when you are adequately satisfied with the flowers and the gifts and the poems, and you think that your romance is cosmically crafted, you get in the car after work and turn on the radio.  And what is playing?  Uh…Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”  How perfect is that???  It’s a love song.  That confirms all of your suspicions.  The universe, itself, conceived this love.  And it’s all yours.  But wait…Just to be sure, maybe you should try a different station…Reluctantly, you hit the “seek” button on the radio.  As you are holding your breath, turning blue in the face, you hear a familiar melody.  Oh, thank God.  “Afternoon Delight.”  That pretty much sums it up, too.  Alright, last time.  You have to confirm with one more frequency.  This is the validation.  You already know you have the best lover ever, but if you turn the station on its not a love song, it could disprove everything you have believed to be true.  Whew…”Kickstart my Heart!!!!!!!”  You were right.  Every song ever performed in the history of music was written to describe this romance.  TRUE LOVE:  Confirmed. 

But What About Reality? 

I know, I talk a lot about how we are socialized and what we are conditioned to believe.  And I’m not trying to be redundant. But let’s be honest, “successful” relationships work on the pass/fail system.  A successful relationship is socially significant.  And it has rules.  First, you meet the love of your life.  This person is your “soul mate.”  There is nobody else on the planet who could be a more fulfilling influence on your entire being.  IT’S YOUR SOUL MATE.  (By the bye, by this definition, I have had no less than 12 soul mates.  Who hasn’t? )  Anyway, your soul mate is perfect:  flowers, poems, fireworks.  PERFECT. 

Then, after you meet your perfect partner and have been graced with the most EPIC courtship in the history of dating, your true love takes you snorkeling, and you swim with the dolphins, and you kiss underwater…he slaps a 2 carat Tasmanian diamond on your finger and declares his undying love for you and all of your perfections.  Which are all of your characteristics.  Because you have no flaws.  You are perfect.  And so is he.  After all, yours is the most unadulterated love story and it shames all other love stories. 

If you want the rest my diatribe on the culturally perfect romance, hit me up later…but at the risk of losing your attention and/or making you vomit, I will stop here.  I think everyone has a relatively clear image of the “perfect” love story. 

In short, we are conditioned to believe that love is this:  Sparks.  Love.  Marriage.  Home.  Babies.  Money. Good sex…FOREVER…Successful, well-adjusted children.  Dying peacefully in your sleep while surrounded by 100 people who love and admire you for your very profound impact on their lives.  And most significantly, your ONE TRUE LOVE is by your side, bidding you farewell.

Right?  Who’s life hasn’t worked out like that? 

99.9%

I made that statistic up.  But, I’m pretty sure that I’m close to my estimate when I say 99.9% of us DO NOT live that fairy tale.  I am also pretty sure that we all know that experiencing anything close to that sort of romance isn’t realistic.  In the back of our minds, and the deepest corner of our hearts, though, that’s what we accept to be the standard for successful relationships.  Maybe that’s why, collectively, we have a 58% divorce rate.  (OK, I made that number up, too.  But, again, it seems pretty legit.  So, I’m going with it.)  But why do we keep giving into it? 

WHY??

This is why:  Even though we know that romance is bullshit, we really want someone we can relate to.  Sometimes we relate to flowers and dinners.  Not because they are important, but because we need attention.  But after the flowers die and the fancy meals go bad, we begin to realize what we really want.  We want someone who will keep us asking questions. We want someone we are attracted to.  Not just for the night, but forever.  We want to be swooned.  But we also want to be challenged.  We want someone to make us feel "alive."  Anyone can buy you flowers.  Anyone can have good sex on occasion.  Actually, that’s not true.  Most people have no idea how to have good sex.  But they’ll at least give it a try for a while.  But, ultimately, we aren’t looking for romance.  We are looking for understanding.  We are looking for someone with inner peas...Someone who's inner peas is compatible with our own.