One of Those Days

Those Days

It’s been one of those days.  You know, the days that make you wish you lived in a cave?  The days that you’d just as soon wrestle and alligator than talk to another living person…It’s been the kind of day that makes you loath Alexander Graham Bell and Thomas Edison and that kid from Facebook and everyone else who ever, even remotely, contributed to advancement in connectivity. That’s the kind of day it’s been.   This afternoon, I actually fantasized about building a time machine so I could warp to a time when people weren’t as stupid as they are now.  I also considered building an igloo in the Arctic and living a life of simplicity and solitude amongst the snow, ice and its creatures.  But then I remember that people are stupid, so the arctic is melting and its inhabitants are drowning.  So, that’s out.  Did I mention that it’s been one of those days? 

Sick and Tired

“No.  I’m sorry.  You cannot talk to the doctor about your separation paperwork.”  Silence.  Then the very excited voice on the other end of the phone said, in a real indignant tone:  “Why not?”  Then more silence.  “Well.  Because he’s a Captain.  And a doctor.  And he’s not really a pay and personnel guy.  He’s more of a medicine guy.  But mostly because he’s a Captain.  And you are not.  Have you thought about calling your admin folks?”  Again…silence.  But this time, it was the kind of silence that happens after a guy gets punched in the dick.  First there’s shock, then there’s pain, then gasping, then there’s sobbing.  Uncontrollable sobbing.  Are you kidding me???  You want to talk to a DOCTOR about ADMINISTRATION issues???

 Turns out, that guy was not kidding.  And he was offended.  And to be perfectly honest, so was I.  I was offended by the lack of cognitive function.  And not only was I offended, I was pissed.  And as the day went on, I only got more pissed.  Because as soon as you become aware of one person’s ineptitude, the ineptitude of others only becomes more conspicuous.  And that’s the kind of day I had.  The kind of day when everybody needs a mommy.  And , since none of their mommies were around, I guess it became my responsibility. 

It Never Ends

I was pissed.  Did I mention that?  Genuinely.  Pissed.  Off.  I was pissed at the helplessness.  Pissed at the incompetence.  Pissed that I couldn’t do my actual job, because I was too busy doing other people’s jobs.  I was angry that I have to jump through hoops to maintain employment.  Real pissed at the entire cup of coffee I spilled on a heaping stack of important medical documents.  I was mad at everything.  Then I came home.  It only got worse. Before I even walked in the door, I was overwhelmed.  You know, because the washer is broken.   Because somebody has neglected to cut the fucking grass for the last three weekends.  Oh Jesus, I should water the garden.  So, I did that first.  Then when I walked in the house to a pile of clothes on the kitchen floor…the same clothes my five year old was wearing a few minutes before…and the back door wide open…Thank you mother universe, he’s already playing.   Just as I had found some relief in my day, relief that Radley was being a little boy, playing naked in the pool, I slipped on the muddy little footprint he’d strategically placed on the kitchen tile.  After I assessed my injuries and pulled my skirt back down below my waist, I looked down to see the play dough in the carpet, along with every toy in our house on the living room floor.  I was watering the plants for 15 minutes.  Is this much destruction possible in a mere 15 minutes?  Clearly, the answer is “yes.”  And then I was REALLY PISSED. 

Guilt

Then I felt guilty.  Like a piece of shit.  How dare I feel so outraged over having a job, a home, and a beautiful child?  How self-consumed am I to be angry with having to do my job, a job I love, by the way?  Who resents their home for being a lot of work?  What kind of person scoffs their child acting like a child?  The guilt was overwhelming.  But so was the anger.  Even though, rationally, I could see that I am one of the most fortunate people to ever walk the Earth’s surface, I was still really upset.  Of course, that only led to more guilt.  And now it’s a cycle.  I don’t want any part of that cycle.  I just want to be grateful for what I have and accept life for what it is.  I think those are reasonable expectations for myself.  But this is the thing, life is frustrating.  Sometimes, you just need to accept that your selfishness is going to get the better of you.  As long as you can find a way out of the ugly and back to the relevant, you can probably find some inner peas.