When I first made the decision to share my words and my
thoughts with the entire internet, I didn’t have an agenda. Originally, I had intended this blog to be a
place where I could share my crazy with the people whose support I needed when
I felt my weakest. Then I took a chance
and shared my words with people outside of my comfort zone. There’s been a lot of feedback. Both good and ugly. I’m good with both. I talk because I want a response. I share what I think because I know that my
opinions aren’t the only ideas around.
When I started looking for my inner peas, I was just trying to
survive. I didn’t give a shit about what
people thought of me. Other people’s
opinions didn’t matter. All that
mattered was finding an outlet for the emotions that would either save me or
condemn me. This is where I found
balance.
Balance, however, is not as appealing as it sounds. Since I decided to share my thoughts, emotions,
life with the people around me, I have adopted the habit of finding the good in
everything. Because nobody wants to be
“that girl” all the time. You know the
type. The girl who’s always hateful or
indignant. The girl who’s always scored
and spiteful. The girl who is always
wretched because she has been wronged. And,
conversely, nobody wants to talk to the girl who is overly satisfied with her
life. The “my life is better than yours”
girl. The girl who is so obviously
putting on a show for the rest of the world, that nobody takes her
seriously. So, what do you do when you
when you are torn between being eternally hopeful and hopelessly
ambivalent? You find a balance.
But balance has nothing to do with you actual emotions. When you find a balance, you don’t get to
express your disdain for your job or your gratitude for spectacular orgasms. You can’t have a political or social
opinion. You don’t get to enjoy
hysterical tantrums about poor service or bad treatment. Balance is always admitting fault and having
the opportunity to be right. Essentially, balance is your appreciation for
what you have and your marginal interest in what goes on around you. Being balanced equates to being
apathetic. And I’m really tired of
apathy.
I’m getting really tired of balance. I’m tired of staying the course. Frankly, I have no interest in the apathy
that comes with stability. When you are
balanced, there is no room for growth.
You can’t improve. You can’t
build on what you have. You only stay in
the same place. And that’s where I have
been for the past several years:
balancing in the same place. Walking
the tightrope between different people in order to fulfill all of their
expectations.
So, instead of finding the common ground for everyone else,
tonight I am going to weigh the scale, instead of balance it. Tonight, I am going to pull the wrong block in
Jenga. Tonight, I am going to add sand
to the hourglass. I’m going to talk
about it. Because I’m tired of common ground that only benefits one side. I’m tired of being the only side conceding to
uneducated arguments so that we don’t have to fight anymore. I’m tired of the laughs and the jokes and the
consolation prizes. I’m fucking
tired.
Do I like my job? Sometimes.
Do I love the people? Yes. Do I want to stop everything I am doing
because you can’t take care of yourself?
NO!! Get some burn cream or some
Claritin or some fucking Sudafed. Do
that. Because your cut finger or your allergies or your virus shouldn’t be
earth shattering. In the real world we
go to CVS and purchase a remedy to our ailments. And please remember, the people who really
need me, the people who really need compassion and understanding are the same
people I have to send to the back of the line because your “emergency” is my
number one priority. In
regards to orgasms. Scream from the
highest mountain when you cum. Don’t
ever be ashamed of an orgasm. They aren’t just there to produce babies. They are there to remind you that it’s OK to
be happy for no other reason than physical pleasure. We eat cheesecake and don’t apologize for
it. We drink wine and don’t apologize
for it. We laugh until our bellies hurt
and don’t apologize for it. Why would he
hide our orgasms so that we don’t have to apologize for it? And then there is politics. Politics will divide us quicker than any indiscretion
ever will. Most people will fight over
political inclinations to the grave.
It’s not worth it. We cannot rely
on politics to get us through. We
cannot rely on our government to make our lives better. Political opinions have no relevance on how
we live our lives. Because I am just
going to be honest here, my politics are better than yours. I don’t care about money or God or status. I believe that we should all do right by the
people around us. But if you don’t
believe me when I say it, we will never be able to understand each other. So, I don’t say it. I would rather try to see your side of the
argument than have an argument at all. You
won’t ever know balance until you are left alone. Until you have to balance the scales for survival.
You will never know balance until you have held a complete
stranger in your arms because she just found out she won’t ever have children,
only to go home and hold your own child.
You can’t understand balance until you see a woman count out twenty $20
bills at the “clinic” while her “boyfriend” is getting a stereo installed in his
truck. Then you go home and feel ashamed of your own orgasm, because you have
the means to practice safe sex. You will
NEVER understand while you are balancing your checkbook and practicing your morality
and reminding others of your station in life.
You will never realize that
balance is actually a burden.
-Inner Peas
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