CONFIDENCE

People who know me, know that I love my girlfriends.  I have no reservations about talking about their strength, intelligence and beauty.  The women I love are both powerful and kind.  They are honest and compassionate.  They are, by no stretch, individuals.  They come from different backgrounds and different upbringings.  Sometimes, they come from different countries.  But what ties us all to each other is our belief that we are better together than we are on our own. 

As a young woman, I didn’t realize how important my girlfriends were.  When you are coming in to your own, especially being the product of the “ME” generation, it’s really hard to understand that life isn’t a competition.  Because when it’s all about you, it can’t possibly be about anyone else.  It took me until I was virtually alone and close to destitute that I finally had the good sense to see that that my girlfriends were my lifeline to healing; to survival.  I didn’t ask them for help.  I didn’t even tell them I was drowning.  One day, they were just there.  All of them.  In their diversity and their wisdom and their unconditional acceptance.  I didn’t send out an SOS or a MAYDAY or even pick up the phone.  It just happened.  One day I woke up and my ship was being salvaged by the most remarkable women on the planet.  I had never felt so empowered before.  I had never felt so loved.  I had never felt so confident.  All because a random collection of women took a chance on loving me when I couldn’t even find value in myself. 

Which brings me to my point:  Confidence.  Confidence is a very arbitrary term.  Not to be confused with narcissism, confidence is the belief in self, purpose, and action.  Confidence gives us the strength to stand up for good and defend against evil.  Without confidence, we can’t value anything.  And as women, we can’t value ourselves.  Without self-worth, we leave ourselves vulnerable to people who will manipulate, violate and prey on us. I would like to say that I find that heart wrenching, but to be quite honest, I am beyond sorrow.   The truth is I find this unacceptable. 

When bad things happen in our communities, we so often shake our heads or wonder what happened to humanity or lock our doors and try to look the other way.  But I have seen so many ugly things happen in my community over the last several years, that I would be remiss to only sit in disbelief or question or values.  And I refuse to lock my doors.  I will not live in fear.  I can’t stop bad people from doing bad things, but I can give voice and purpose to people who have been abused and mistreated.  That voice only comes with confidence. 

I keep hearing about assholes and bullies and predators taking advantage of people they perceive to be weaker than they are.  There are so many stories about women being violated and we would rather address the question the validity of the victim than that of the accused.  And you wonder why women don’t have to confidence to speak up when they have been harmed?  It’s because women believe that when they have been victimized, they are still villains.  Women believe that “they deserve it.”  Or they are “asking for it.”  Women STILL believe that speaking out against a perpetrator will be more harmful than living with the abuse.  They believe it because they don’t have enough confidence to know otherwise. 

I am so angry with assholes and bullies and predators.  But with that that anger, I am also hopeful that we can counter ugly with something better.  I challenge the young and naïve and insecure with finding beauty and strength within yourselves.  I challenge my strong, willful sisters to find the beauty and foster courage in a young woman who may not realize her worth.  To the men in my life who appreciate women with confidence, build in your own daughters the idea of independence.  Even if you believe you will always be there to defend them…YOU WILL NOT.  Teaching your daughters to love and respect themselves as much as they love and respect others is an impossibility.  But teaching your daughters to believe they are worthy of love and respect is not.   

With strength there is beauty.  With courage there is justice.  With confidence there is power.  Believe in yourselves.  Please. 

-Inner Peas