Focus

Sometimes, I have a hard time focusing.  My mind is in a perpetual state of keeping up or getting ahead.  It’s really hard to concentrate you are either two steps behind or two steps ahead.  All the time. This morning, I left the house seven minutes late, and I was convinced that I was going to be riddled with anxiety all day.  Then, after I dropped Radely off at school and had to have a ten minute discussion with the teacher about he’s attached himself to the bad apple.  By the time I got to work, I was almost twenty minutes late.  Excellent.  Then, I walked into the office to find four homemade cupcakes on my desk and a hug from one of my favorite people.  And I thought “I’m gonna be late everyday!!”  The next thing I knew there was a free cup of coffee in my hand and then I heard the funniest story ever and then I was yelling at a patient for not bringing his record, even though I ended up looking like an asshole because I had his record in my possession the whole time, and then there was coffee down the front of my blouse and then it was lunch.  At lunch, I said “uh…what the fuck just happened?” 

Then, I remembered I needed to pay the rent.  So, I drove downtown in a panic and walked into my landlords office and said “BONNIE!!!!  WHY DIDN”T YOU CALL ME???  MY RENT’S LATE!!!!!”  And she looked at me like I was a crazy person.  I was by that point.  She said “Uh…you’re paid through February.I just gave the numbers to the accountant yesterday”  Oh. Right.  Because I don’t pay rent like normal people do on the first.  I just cut you a check whenever the spirit moves me.  Alright.   So never mind then.  I’ll see you next year.  Then we talked about our kids.  Her children are my age.  Mine is the same age as some of her grandchildren.  We talked about the “dos” and “don’ts” of parenting and we laughed and I gave her a hug on my way out the door.  Back to work.  All is right.

Then, I got back to work.  There was work to be done.  So, I did that.  Then it was a half hour before quitting time, and I hadn’t done my time card.  Oh sweet Jesus.  I missed two days earlier this week.  I should probably figure out if I have enough PTO to cover that or if I’m just going to have to suck it up.  I logged on to the website to check my paystub.  The anxiety is building.  Oh god.  I missed two days last month when Radley was sick.  I’m probably in the hole and I’m going to have to suck up those two days for being sick.  Right at the holidays.  And before they are going to make me take two MORE days without pay during Christmas week.  At that point, I was pretty much curled up in a ball under my desk, afraid to look at how much money I was going to lose for being sick.  After I finished hyperventilating, I stood up and straightened myself out and checked how much leave I had.  (Just like the rent, I don’t check my pay stubs regularly.  I like everything to be a surprise.)  OMG!!!  I have enough to cover those two days!!!!  In fact, if I can keep this kid healthy, I may have enough to take a long weekend next year!!!!  I’m thinking either Ventura or Eugene.  You know, some place glamorous.  So, I started filling out my timesheet, so as to make sure my boss could go home on time, too.  My timecard is always the last.  She usually has to ask me 17 or 18 times before I finally put it on her desk. 

Anyway, feeling pretty good about getting out of that place on time, and pretty sure the boss lady will get home at a reasonable hour, too, I filled out my timesheet.  Or I thought I was.  Until I got a call about something that should have already been taken care of.  And the voice at the other end of the phone said “I was going to come up, but I thought it would be more convenient if you just brought it down.”  Uh…Who is that most convenient for?  Not me.  I just wanna get paid.  But sure as shit, I took it down.  Then, as soon as I got back, another phone call.  “I HAVE AN EMERGENCY!!!!”  Of course you do.  It’s ten minutes before I should be going home.  Needless to say, it was an “emergency” that not only WAS NOT an emergency, it could have been remedied with logical thought.  But what did I do?  I caved to the urgency and found the highest ranking person on this base to remedy it.  I did it with a lot of guilt, but also with the hope that I could finish my timesheet.  It worked.  I finished it.  The boss lady even walked out of her office, a few minutes before close of business, and said “is that YOUR timesheet on my desk???”  Yep.  Success.  I’m her favorite now. 

But before I had the time to bask in my victory, or my boss had the time to make the three steps back to her office, there was something else.  SOMETHING ELSE!!!!   Something so ridiculous it kept the whole room silent for several minutes.  That’s when inspiration hit met:  I was going to go home and write a profanity laced tirade about helplessness.  Of course, I realized pretty quickly that I’d already made that statement before.  Many times.  But I was still pissed.  AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!  Pissed.  Fortunately, the seas parted and people started to disperse.  I started my end of day rituals.  I replied to the last remaining emails.  I cleaned up my desk.  And I got ready to log off.

Then, this guy walked into my office.  He’s kind of a big deal.  I forgot that I had made a shadow in his doorway earlier in the afternoon.  While he was busy with other things, I just walked away.  Anyway, this guy walked in and said “were you looking for me earlier?”  I knew he was as eager to get out of there as I was, so I tried to minimize what I needed to talk to him about.  We can talk about everything we need to on Monday.  Or Tuesday.  Or next month.  I mean, really.  If it were an emergency, I would have lit myself on fire and run into his office and made him listen to what I had to say.  But it wasn’t that important.  Still, even though it wasn’t important, we talked for another half hour.  I hugged him when we were done, and I smiled.  Then, I thought to myself:  “I know I was pissed about something.  I just can’t remember what it was.” 

Focus.  The morning I left the house, I was real anxious.  At lunch, I was terrified.  This afternoon, before I came home, I was real pissed.  I don’t even know why now.  All I know right now is that I am pretty fucking fortunate.  I don’t remember why I was anxious, angry or ambiguous.  My five year old woke up and the first thing he asked me is “what’s three plus seven?”  Then he asked me to peel his banana.  Then, I went to a job where people love me enough to bring cupcakes and tell me I’m beautiful, despite the dark circle under my eyes and my flawed complexion.  Before eight o’clock, I got to hug one of my best friends and tell her that I love her.  I had two new hello kitty pens on my desk.  There was a cup of coffee in my hand.  By the time I got back from lunch, I’d heard every detail about the new hobbit movie and a woman I respect related to me with parenting.  When I walked to my car after work, I smiled at the connection I’d made with a couple very important people in my life. 

Focus.

-Inner Peas