The Unattainable

Defeat

We have all loved someone who will never love us back.  Usually, we just graduate from High School and go on about our lives.  But, sometimes, some of us will love someone who will never love us back.  But you will love them forever.  You can’t ever really put your finger on why you love them.  You can’t rationally explain why you let your heart hurt over something so futile.  You can’t justify to your girlfriends, much less yourself, the senseless heartache.  Because we all know that love is a choice, right?  You can choose who you love.  You can choose who you don’t.  Right?  Yeah, sure.  Tell your heart that.  Or your pituitary gland.  Or whatever biological function controls irrational behavior. 

So, now, be honest.  Have you ever loved someone who was never going to love you back?  If you are still aren’t convinced that it can happen.  Let me tell you…It can.  And it is excruciating. 

First Love

Joey McIntryer.  New Kids on the Block.  Circa 1990.  I was ten.  That was the first time I realized that it was possible to be in love with someone who will never love you back.  My heart ached for Joey.  When was I going to see him?  He had to be coming to Ventura…We have a great mall.  That’s where teen pop stars hang out, right?  I went to the mall every day.  But Joey never came.  My heart was shattered.  Then, a few months later, still at the age of ten, I moved on.  I couldn’t wait for Joey forever.  Even a ten year old knows that. 

There were more fleeting loves in my life.  I was always sure they were the one I would love forever.  Johnny Depp.  Marky Mark.  Kenny Chesney.  Wow.  All those guys are still around.  But they are no longer the man I’ll love “forever.”  Unless they knocked on the door tomorrow.  Then, yes.  I would love anyone of them FOREVER.  There are some real men who have been the love of my life, too.  For the sake of privacy and in the interest of saving time, I won’t mention them all here.  But there have been a lot of men that I have loved.  They come.  They go.  They move to Guatemala with some enchanting Latin princess.  Point is, they all move on.  And so do I.  Eventually. 

Loving the unattainable

We love to love people who we can’t capture.  It gives us a sense of adventure.  We all love the thrill of the pursuit.  Then, if we are lucky enough to seize that which we desire, we often loose interest.  At best, we become complacent with what we once cherished.   Once the unattainable becomes ours for the taking, we only want more.  We want more love.  We want more passion.  We want more hot sex.  We WANT more!  More.  That’s what you get when you finally conquer your desires.  You want more fulfillment of your desires.  And that is unattainable. 

Loving a hero

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with a girlfriend about what it’s like to love a hero.  She does it.  Every day.  And it’s not easy.  But she does it. She told me:  “Angela.  They aren’t easy to love.  And you can’t stop yourself from loving them.  Even if they don’t want to be loved.   Somebody needs to love them.  Do you want to do what they do?  I know I don’t”  And I thought for a minute.  Nope.  I don’t want to do what they do.  But, also, I don’t want to love someone who will never love me back. Hero, or not.  That was what I thought, logically.  Realistically, however, I am in love with an emotional retard.   But how much longer will that be OK?  How much longer will I be able to deal with all of his baggage?  How much longer will I have to deal with being the keeper of his secrets?  How long until he will love me?  Reality says, I should have given up on him a long time ago.  But I can’t. 

Last night I had a dream.  An awful dream.  There was fire and blood and water and screaming.  I woke up curled in a ball, sobbing.  And the first thing I did was call my hero to make sure he was OK.  Because when you love a hero, your nightmares manifest your fear of reality.  You fear losing what you will never have.  He is his own entity.  He cannot love or be loved.  So, he has nothing to lose.  He is a hero.  That’s not why I love him, but that reminds me why he so hard to love.  Heroes are unattainable.