Weight

“Introspection will kill us all.  I swear it.” –Jessica Katelyn Clark

Awakening

The other day, I wrote some explicitly angry and hurtful things.  Don’t look for them now, they’re gone.  Essentially, though, I lost my shit on the internet.  That’s not very becoming of anyone.  It’s particularly embarrassing for me.  I have made a very conscious effort not to point fingers at other people.  The whole point of this writing is to find solace in my life; to make sense of uncertainty.  Even the most novice philosophy students understand that perpetuating anger and bad feelings is the antithesis of spiritual tranquility.  I would like to say that I have genuine remorse targeting individuals in my profanity laden diatribe about the permanent state of volatility that is my employment status.  I’m not though.  I’m really not.  While the internet isn’t the appropriate venue for airing all of your grievances, I got some pretty insightful feedback from that post.  Two people who have never made any qualms about loving me for who I am, or maybe, even, despite of who I am, responded with words that were very awakening. 

Train Wreck

My dear friend, of almost half of my life, made a comment about how I’m an “emotional train wreck.”  Bravo, Sir.  You’ve known that longer than almost anyone else.  I would never take offense to someone saying that about me.  I reinforce it all the time.  But my friend elaborated on those words in a way most others wouldn’t think to.  He said “I already knew that about you, so from now on I’m going to call it passionate intellect.”  I like that.  Passionate intellect.  Makes me sound like some sort of emotional scholar.  I’m putting it on my business cards.  When I get business cards.  Or have a business.  Anyway, my friend said a lot of things, and mind you, this is the only man who has ever heard me scream profanities in his face, aside from my last husband, so he clearly knows me well enough to know what buttons to push.  I hate that about him.  On the other hand, I love that he loves me enough to know when my buttons need pushing.  That’s not a sexual innuendo, by the way. 

Anyway, he said some things about moving mountains and networking and how my heart makes me crazy because my brain gets in the way.  Or maybe it was the other way around.  Regardless, he said a lot of shit that I would only expect Karl to say.  Probably a lot of shit that he would only expect me to appreciate.  Then he said “I pray for anyone who tries to get in your way.”  Most people would laugh at that.  I cried.  I guess that’s further proof my emotional pileup at the train depot.

Stability

When Karl was done recounting the state of my mental and emotional well being, my little, hippie sister immediately countered.  Let it be known that this young woman has more experience and wisdom than her 22 years could ever reflect.  Sometimes she says shit that leaves me without words; digging through every possible resource I can find to understand how she is so consciously aware at an age, when so many of her peers are not even conscious.  She isn’t just an old soul.  She is a brilliant woman.  I always marvel at her awareness.  So, Jessica said “because you are emotional, doesn’t make you a train wreck.  It makes you expressive.”  Clearly, she’s an artist.  Not many people outside the realm of occupational creativity recognize the fine line between “crazy” and “fucking over it.”  Also, as an aside, I recently learned that “crazy” is a label that we like to place on things we don’t understand or want to try to understand.  I’ve been watching Dexter.  By the way, how come nobody told me about that guy?  Awesome.  Anyway, I have never been afraid of crazy.  I have never been afraid of being crazy.  I don’t see it as a hindrance.  I see it more as a way to channel emotion.   Some people eat.  Some people drink.  Some people watch video games.  I just act crazy.  That makes most people think very carefully about their next move with me.  Not Jessica though.  Jess knows me.  So instead of indulging into all of my craziness, she related to it.  She said “Forgive those who are emotionally detached.  It’s a side effect of stability.”  Her words.  Not mine.  But for the record, I had no response.  What do you say when someone is right?  About everything. 

Volatility

I didn’t respond to either one of them.  I just deleted the post, and spent the day trapped in a terrible sadness.  I got a cheese steak and a giant Dr. Pepper and thought about everything that got me to this point.  In the dark.  Because that was all I wanted to see.  The darkness.  My life is volatile.  Not just my job.  My WHOLE life.  Let’s be clear, it’s not volatile because  I’m a victim.  It’s volatile because of my choices.  I’m not blaming anyone.  I chose to stay in a job that will never respect me.  In fact, I fought very hard to be repeatedly mistreated by my employers.  I knew that was coming.  I also chose to not be married anymore.  It was an unhappy marriage, but it probably could have been salvaged for the sake of children and finances.  I didn’t choose to rescue it, though.  Instead, I chose poverty.  I chose to distance myself from my family because I was tired of never being what they wanted me to be.  I could have chosen to conform, but I didn’t.  There are very few left who love me for me.  Karl and Jessica are among the last.  They believe in me; they want to save me from me.  I love them for that.  But the truth is, I could have chosen a lot of different roads.  I didn’t.  If I had, I might not live in uncertainly, everyday.  My own free will got me here.  And it will get me where I’m going next. 

There’s something to be said for making your own choices.  There’s also something to be said for stability.  Right now, I’m not sure that it’s possible those ideas can coincide. 

-Inner Peas