A Lesson In Accountability

Accountability: 

We generally understand the word “accountability” to mean accepting responsibility for one’s OWN behavior.  Anyone who has met me knows that I hold hundreds of people accountable for their actions on a daily basis.  Nobody pulls a fast one on this girl.  Your snot, your stubbed toe, your acne is never an acceptable excuse for poor behavior.  Your allergies or your hypoglycemia are no justification for not doing your job.  Get back to work.  Oh yeah.  And wash your hands.  Because if you practice good hygiene, you won’t get sick.  It’s common sense, people… 

And in addition to all of this behavioral policing I do, I am also an excellent steward of the tax dollar and the environment.  I understand the social and environmental implications of a wasteful lifestyle.  I live minimally.  Food, shelter, clothing…wine.  You know, the necessities.  I’m kind of a model citizen. 

Pretense:

Let’s be honest, with all of this good stewardship and citizenship I perpetuate regularly, I should probably be recognized, if not rewarded.  Substantially.   After all, I am molding formative young lives into productive members of the community!  The future of the entire universe hinges solely on my contributions to society.  There’s got to be some sort of award for this, right? 

 

Disparity? 

The funny thing about writing is that when you start with a thesis, inevitably, you have to refine, rewrite, and reevaluate what you are trying to say.  If you can’t convince yourself, it is going to be impossible to get anyone else onboard with your argument.  For example, when I tell you that I don’t let other people bullshit me and I hold them accountable for their behavior, you probably believe me.  At first.  Because I present a pretty solid case in my defense.  Some of you may have even seen me in action.  But my argument is debunked when you realize that I’m not holding myself accountable.  And neither is anyone else.  So, for a while, I can dazzle you with all sorts of glamorous talk of good citizenship and stewardship and saving the world.  At some point, though, you will start to question the validity of my rhetoric.  At least, I hope you will. 

Knowing:  Is it really half the battle? 

Now, please do not misunderstand…I am my biggest critic.  I will be the first person to confess my shortcomings.  I’m pushy.  Demanding.  Overbearing.  Entitled.  Lonely.  Sad.  Terrified.  And I’m kind of an attention whore.  But don’t tell anyone...At least I know my personality defects, right?  I’m not afraid to tell you.  And knowing IS half the battle.  But the other half is really hard.  So, maybe it’s cool if I walk around like an asshole, because at least I’m half way to fixing it.  That’s probably good enough…

Accountability (Yes, I said it twice.) 

NO.  It’s not good enough.  So, I guess it’s my turn now…my turn to hold myself accountable for my decisions.  It’s clearly not going to be easy.  But I’m committed to the effort.  And if I’m not committed to the effort, then I’ll probably be committed to an institution. 

 I am open to thoughts and suggestions that may help me on this journey.  Just not too many.  I’m easily overwhelmed.  And don’t be too critical.  I get real offended by rejection.  And if you could, just make sure that you validate my emotions.  I appreciate affirmation…