The Storm

The Storm:

There is a moment in every meltdown where the seas calm and the skies part and there is a moment of clarity.  A moment when you have to decide, emotionally, if the storm has passed, or if you are just sitting in the eye of the hurricane.  Unlike real storms, the emotional storm gives us the power to determine what comes next.  The emotional storm isn’t left up to Mother Nature; it leaves us up to our own devices.  And generally, we have the good sense to see that we are being offered an opportunity to allow the storm to subside without suffering too much emotional capitol loss.  But sometimes…sometimes…we just can’t let the storm dissipate.  Sometimes we have to make sure it causes catastrophic damages that will cost us more than any natural disaster ever could.  And that is where I was.  So, I did what any self-destructing entity would do:  I unleashed the wrath of my emotional tsunami on the people who I care about the most.  Because hurting people before they have the opportunity to hurt you is the most productive way to ensure you never have to let anyone get close enough to love or be loved. 

Self-Destruct:

This is the thing:  When you are hell bent on ruining your own emotional well-being and destroying everything you love, you are going to do it.  It doesn’t matter how many opportunities the universe gives you to rethink your decision, you will still ignore all of the warning signs.  You will disregard all better judgment.  You will dedicate every fiber of your being to making sure you devastate yourself and the lives of those who love you.  It may seem counterproductive to anyone with half an ounce of sanity.  But when you are ready and willing to unleash crazy on the world, sanity, conveniently, has stepped away from its desk.  Indefinitely.  Sanity’s smoke break only ends after self-destruction has made a definitive and unrelenting appearance. 

So, as soon as reason re-enters the picture, it assess the scene, activates EMS, and begins CPR on your life.  Just as in many emergency situations, there are casualties.  If you haven’t squandered too much time, you may be able to salvage some relationships.  But the relationship you need to be most committed to saving is the one you have with yourself.  And sometimes, it takes being faced with loss before you realize what you have.  Too much cliché? 

The Reminder:

I have promised a lot of people a lot of things.  And generally, I follow through.  But the one person I never follow through with is myself.  Last year I promised myself that I would spend more time living, loving and laughing.  And I promised I would write.  Because words are my gift.  But I haven’t done any of that.  Instead I hid from those things that were important.  And even though, to date, I haven’t done any of those things for myself, I have expected others to do them for me. 

A New Beginning:    

Today, I will begin.  I will begin to love more.  To laugh more.  To live more.  Most importantly, I will do all of those things while I write.  It won’t always be heavy and poignant.  I hope it will mostly be about love and laughter.  But today, I am committing to myself, and to the people I love, that I will make good on those promises. 

Welcome: 

Welcome to inner peas.  Because very few of us can find peace within ourselves.  But we can all find peas in our garden.  If we take the time to plant.