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At an event yesterday, in a crowded room with a couple hundred strangers, I sat alone.  A few minutes before the start of the ceremony, one of my nearest and dearest came and sat down next to me.  Just seeing her gave me a little relief.  Dawn always makes me feel at ease.  Now, don’t misunderstand, I didn’t feel uncomfortable in that room.  There were plenty of familiar faces.  There was a lot of laughter and conversation.  It’s a room that I have stood in and spoke in front of people probably 100 times.  I wasn’t uncomfortable.  I was just there.  Waiting.  Then, my girl took the seat next to mine and the first thing she said was “So, listen.  Was that a pity party last night on Inner Peas or what?”  “Uh…Yeah.  It was.”  I told her.  Then she said “I get it.  And I appreciate what you have to say.  But I’m your friend and I need to know that you are just having a moment and that’s not how you are spending 80% of your time.”  Of course, I reassured her that I am fine.  Which, I am.  And I promised her that when I write, I do it to curb the crazy and move on.  Which, I do.   I also told her, it’s my therapy.  Which, it is.  She knows all of that, of course.  Because she’s my friend.  And she gets me.  But it made me wonder if I was giving people the wrong idea…If one of my besties had to ask, then what were other people thinking?  Had I made a mistake sharing all of this with the internet?  Maybe the internet isn't ready for this…Of course, when I say “the internet,” I mean the six people who may or may not be paying attention to what I say.  It’s pretty much like the rest of my life. 

I started this experiment back in the spring when I was in the midst of a pretty monumental meltdown.  The only two options I had were to either self-destruct or figure out a way to deal with it.  I opted for the latter.  It was very scary the first time I sat down and wrote what I was thinking.  When you have a lot of weird shit happening in your head, you never know what will come out when you find a way to express yourself.  But it worked.  It gave me a little resolution.  It made me feel more human.  It took the loud, indistinguishable noises that plagued the inside of my head and made them coherent, articulate thoughts.  I felt better.  It sedated the crazy and quieted the self criticism.  That’s what this project has been about:  feeling better.  That and anyone who has known me for longer than three minutes knows that if I think it, I’m going to say it.  Out loud.  And usually in a very inappropriate venue.  So, really it should come as no surprise that I share my most taboo thoughts with anyone who as the inclination to listen. 

Anyway, moving forward…Since the debut of Inner Peas, I’ve gotten a lot of really interesting feedback.  Some people get it.  Some people are moved by it.  Some people worry about it.  Some people worry about me.  I even had a friend tell me a few weeks ago, “I love Inner Peas.  It’s my dirty little secret.  Is that how women actually think?”  I assured him that this is not how all women think, only the craziest among us.  He laughed.  I didn't. 

Honestly, I was more shocked that people actually took the time to read it than anything.  So, the feedback, while unexpected, has been incredibly touching.  Until a few days ago when several people told me that reading the blog was making them sad.  I got calls and texts and was even accosted at the coffee shop by one of my very favorite women, who asked me “are you OK?”  Of course, I’m OK.  “Are you sure?”  I’m pretty sure.  Then, again, I started thinking about how people see me now that they know so many of the thoughts and feelings that, otherwise, should be of no consequence to anyone. 

I know that this sounds like I’m trying to justify myself or validate what I say.  But that’s not actually where I’m going.  What I am trying to say is that this isn't about seeking sympathy or approval.  This isn't about wallowing in self pity.  This is where my feelings manifest themselves.  This is my vehicle to get right with myself and the people I love.  This is a platform to acknowledge the amazing gifts I have been given, mostly those gifts are the amazing people who have graced my life with their friendship.  This is where I come to find my Inner Peas. 

You can relate to what I say.  You can laugh at what I say.  You can ignore what I say.  But you should never be sad because of what I say.  Ever.