Dreams

Important stuff

This afternoon I sat with a dear friend, one of the best friends I have ever had, discussing reality over a glass of wine.  I had so much on my mind.  She had so much on her mind.  So we did, as we so often do, and just let it all go.  There was no order to our conversation; we only discussed the things that were on our minds.  No rhyme or reason.  Just talk.  We talked about what was important to us.  We talked about what we didn’t think was important.  We talked about where we are.  We talked about where we want to be.  Wait.  We didn’t talk about that.  Jillian talked about that.  I didn’t talk about it because I don’t know where I want to be.  And that’s really uncomfortable. 

The absence of dreams

There was a time in my life when I had a lot of really extravagant dreams.  There was a time when I wanted to grow up to be a lawyer.  There was a time when I wanted to save the world.   There was a time when I wanted to drive an Audi.  At a younger age, I dreamed it all.  I dreamed about being pretty.  I dreamed about being smart.  I dreamed about being successful.  I dreamed.  If one dream didn’t come true, I dreamed up another one.  I never, ever dreamed I would be here though.  I never dreamed that I would be without a dream or ambition.  It’s really awkward to listen to the people you love talk though their ideas and desires when you don’t have any.  I guess, you could say that the absence of your own dreams, makes you more apt to listen to the dreams of others.  So, that is what I did.  I listened.  And I was very captivated as my bestie talked.  Her dreams aren’t unreasonable or unattainable.  But they are still dreams.  They are still ambitious.  Her dreams keep her going.  The thought of a better life keeps her motivated.  I love hearing all of her dreams. 

But I had to wonder what happened to my dreams. 

Keeping the dream alive

I used to dream about good jobs and big houses and fancy cars.   I fantasized about a successful husband and a beautiful family and a lot of really HOT sex, on demand.  I wanted to make my parents proud.  I wanted to be a good friend.  I wanted to prove my worth to those who didn’t think I had any.  What I ended up with was much different, however.  I am a medical records clerk.  I live in a duplex.  I drive an eight year old Focus.  I am divorced with one child.  I don’t remember ever having hot sex.  So, maybe the defeat has destroyed my desire to dream.  Or maybe, I realized that what I already have is better than what I could ever dream of having.  Maybe, and this is real out there, but MAYBE, I can’t have it any better than I have it right now. 

Maybe I don’t want to go anywhere else.

Broken Dreams

Earlier today, I started to get pretty concerned with the idea that I don’t dream of a better life anymore.  I was feeling discouraged.  Maybe my dreams are broken.  Maybe I am broken.  Maybe all the disappointment and devastation and despair have inhibited me from dreaming.  Or maybe not…Maybe it’s because I already have everything I need.  I have a job.  A good job.  That I love.  I have a child.  An amazing child.  Who I love.  I have people.  The most incredible people.  People who are family to me.  I don’t have an Audi or a mansion on a hill, but I have a home.  With a garden and berries and a table that people, my people, want to come and sit and talk and eat dinner at.  Could life be more comfortable?  Yes.  But a comfortable life doesn’t always fulfill dreams. 

Turns out, this is the life I always dreamed of.  Even if I didn’t know I was dreaming of it. 

-Inner Peas