New Shoes

I love my little brother.  A lot.  Like "I will throw myself on a fire or in front of a bus or swallow the Orb for him" kind of love.  I love him a lot. He is a good man.  He is a compassionate and loving human being.  Sometimes, I am blinded by how genuine his soul shines.  Essentially, he's smart and funny and pretty.  But he's also deep and poignant.  Genuine and grounded.  I fucking love this kid.  And so it is really no surprise that I am always surprised when he reaches out to me.

Today, I got a text from him that said "We need new shoes."  Like it made all the sense in the fucking world.  I looked at it.  I looked at it again.  I tried to interpret it  and I waited for the explanation.  There's always an explanation with Conrad.  Finally, when I grew tired of waiting for him to decode his cryptic message, I texted back "What's going on, Sugar?"  A few more minutes passed.  I was kind of hoping he was just trying to validate my need for those new French Connection Camleighs I haven't had the heart to spend half a paycheck on.  Especially since I'm losing my job.  But if Conrad endorsed it, I would have bought them.

But, as life and Conrad would have it, he wasn't talking about a new pair of $400 heels.  Much to my disdain, he had a more meaningful message.  He said "We've been putting one foot in front of the other for so long.  The terrain is so rough that our souls are worn out."

As I sat there, alone in my living room, wishing I had the magical solution that would make my baby brother's soul feel whole, my phone shook again.  He said "I feel like I get overwhelmed by how much help the world needs and how little I can do about it.  I want to feel like what I do is honorable.  What isn't that a priority to anyone else?"  Chills moved up my back and down my legs.  "He's me," I thought.   Or at least who I was when I was his age.  He has so much love in his heart and can't see a viable outlet to make things better.

Fear overcame me.  Because I don't ever want him to become as complacent as I have become.  I don't ever want him to feel like his voice or his contributions are inconsequential.  He is the reflection that I want my son to see in the mirror as he grows up.  He is the reminder of who I want to be when I grow up.  He is the beauty of the human spirit.

So I swallowed my sadness and told him this:  "Just because that is what everyone else is doing, doesn't mean that we have to do it.  You and I will continue to fight for what we believe in.  We will contribute to our communities and the purposes we value.  Not because its what it's 'right.'  Because we need to do it to keep our souls right.  And fuck those douche buckets who settle for complacency. They are ruining the world we have to raise our children in.  We will fight our fight because somebody has to.  And we are the people to do it.  So yeah, we might need new shoes, but we will walk the fuck out of the shoes we are wearing.  Then we will go barefoot.  The terrain isn't going to get any easier, baby.  But our feet will get stronger."

To which my precious little brother responded "Absolutely correct.  Because fuck them."

-Inner Peas