I deal, a lot, with my own self-worth issues. Because of my station in life, I also deal
with many others and their self-worth issues.
By no means, am I here to judge the value of others. In fact, due to my unique perspective, I probably
have no business, whatsoever, addressing worth and importance. But I’ve had a week. The kind of week that makes you remember how
small you actually are in life’s plan.
The kind of week that makes you want to bury yourself in a cave. A cave that you dug into the side of a mountain. By yourself.
With a garden spade. That’s the
kind of week I had. I would rather have
built a pyramid in the desert without water or food. By.
My. Self. I would have rather done that than have dealt
with the shit I encountered this week. It
was a fucking week, man.
Weeks like this take your emotional well-being out to the
recycle bin with the milk jug, peanut butter jar, and the six empty wine bottles. It was the kind of week that puts you in your
place. The kind of week that reminds you
that you are REALLY insignificant. The
kind of week that screams at you: “HEY!!!
You answer phones and forward health records!!”
Or at least, that’s what it said to me.
It doesn’t matter what else I do with my day, phone calls and fed ex are
what I do. That’s what I was reminded of
this week.
That brings me to the topic:
humility. Humility has become routine for me. Humility is the reason I
get up every morning. Humility keeps me
employed. Humility also keeps me connected to others. Because of my anxiety, I often become
overwhelmed with myself and absorbed in my own problems. Then I
remember humility. I also remember that understanding
humility means realizing that the universe is bigger than you are. I answer telephones and forward health
records because I need be a part of something bigger than I am. If you consider yourself larger than life,
you never get to participate in the bigger picture. If you fancy yourself important, you don’t
understand humility or connection.
So, as I was saying, I had a fucking week. It manifested in a pretty overwhelming panic
attack this morning. I don’t know why or
where it came from. But I was
terrified. Usually, when fear overcomes
me, it’s because I haven’t paid the bills or done the laundry or watered the
garden. Usually, when panic presents
itself in my life, I have to do something I don’t feel comfortable with or I am
overwhelmed with reality or I am terrified of rejection. But this morning, I woke up shaking. For no other reason than I just woke up shaking. That was probably the most frightened I had
ever been during an episode. Because
there was no reason for it. The worst
part was that I had to call my friends and tell them I couldn’t make our brunch
date. That’s when I remembered
humility.
While I had a week that I don’t ever want to repeat, life
had a funny way of reminding me of my worth.
It humbled me. It reminded me
that some people only see me only for my job description. That’s OK. Because I know in my heart, that nothing is outside
of my job description when it comes to doing right by the people I love. It also reminded me that there are some people
who will love and trust me, regardless.
How do I know? I know
because of the door that is always open to me.
The door that will always let me cry and scream. The door that always opens when objectivity
needs to take a front seat to unreasonable demands. I know because of the kid who I have never
met before, but felt comfortable enough to spend 25 minutes at my desk of
Friday. He asked questions and listened
to my answers. I know because as I
carried 22 health records into the clinic, a girl, who I have known for less
than a month, walked up to me, tears in her eyes and said “Thank you for all of
your help.” Then she told me her story. Right there in the parking lot. I dropped all of those records on the ground
and held her, as she cried. She trusted
me. She humbled me.
Now, back to the point, humble yourselves. Remember what is important. Remember what you want your legacy to
be. You can make a fair argument for
your ability to make change. You can
make yourself more important by telling other people that you are important. Just because you talk about doing right by
others, doesn’t mean that you are actually doing right by others. In order to
do right, you actually have to do right.
It takes courage. It takes strength. It take character. It takes humility. On Friday night, I watched a man, plagued by
his past, make right with his future by speaking in a public forum about his demons. This very afternoon, I sat with a man who has
always been my advocate, and as we sat, he just let me be as crazy as I needed
to be. Loving people without expectation
is humility. Being loved by others is humbling.
-Inner Peas
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