Enough?

I’ve been thinking a lot about when enough is enough.  Do you know when enough is enough?  I’m not sure that I know. I mean, I’ve been at enough before, but I’m not sure that I know the warning signs.  Or when enough becomes ENOUGH!!!!  Until, one day, it hits me that I’m at my wit’s fucking end.  That’s usually when I realize that I’ve had enough.  It hasn’t happened to me many times in my life.  But when it does, it usually results in the end of something substantial.  And something is telling me, that I’m close to the end of something.  Most notably, the rope.  I’m at the end of the rope. 

So, you ask, how do you get to the end of your rope?  I’m glad you asked.  And I will be happy to tell you how I got here.  I got here by doing too much when I should have been doing less.  Much less.  I got here by stepping outside of the realm of my responsibility to be responsible for others.  Not just responsible for others, but owning their quality of life.  I got here four years ago, when I walked into this clinic and I saw the people who needed care, not getting what they needed.  When I saw the people who worked in this clinic being mistreated by those who sought care here, I took a vested interest in improving the quality of their professional existence.  I worked hard.  Really hard.  I committed myself to the patients who felt slighted by the treatment they were getting.  I invested in the men and women I worked with so I could help improve the way the community viewed them.  At the time I hoped that meant that patients would come here and appreciate the care we provided.  From start to finish.  I hoped that the people who provided the care would better enjoy their trade, and therefore feel more fulfilled.  That’s what I hopped would happen. 

It may not seem like an overwhelming task, but appeasing two opposing populations is A LOT of work.  The first day I worked at this job, I saw no less than ten people who walked into the building and had real ugly looks on their faces.  You know the kind of look that only comes from someone who either hates their life or hates being told “no.”  Or maybe they just hated that they had to go to the doctor.  I don’t know why those people had those repugnant looks on their faces, but I wanted to change that.  After years of working for Doctors in private practice who valued good patient care and laughter, I thought maybe I could change the perception of the community toward the treatment they were being given.  As an aside, many studies have shown that patients primarily judge their medical experience based on the first encounter they have when they walk through the door.  So, I was determined to make the first experience EVERY patient had, the best experience they had EVER had at a doctor’s office.  So, I did that.  I learned every patient by their first name.  I learned their kid’s names.  I learned their sports teams and their hobbies and their favorite foods.  I knew everything about my patients.  And I held all of that very close, so that I could make them feel less like they were going to the doctor and more like they were going to see some old friends.  I was really proud of that.  That we were changing the way our consumers viewed, not only our services, but us, as individuals. 

Then, there was this one day, a few months later, I witnessed a pretty hostile interaction between a patient and a corpsman.  Being the mediator that I am, I broke up the confrontation with my charm, wit, good looks and firm tone.  I felt like I was sending two kids into time out.  But that was when I realized that the corpsmen were being mistreated by patients, as much as patients felt they were being slighted by corpsmen.  So, there, without the responsibility or expectation of a uniform, I became the protector of all.  An advocate for the patients.  A guardian of my colleagues.  An activist for accountability.  I OWNED it.  Patient care was mine.  I created the standard.  Protecting my own was a necessity.  It’s a mama bear thing.  Accountability was expected.  From all parties involved.  I worked really hard to make everybody’s lives easier. 

And what did accommodating EVERYBODY get me?  It got me a lot of demands.  It got me a lot of expectations.  It got me a lot of pressure.  A lot of pressure that I shouldn't have to deal with.  I accommodate people so that they can more readily do their jobs.  I accommodate people so they feel more comfortable going to see the doctor.  I accommodate people to make their lives easier.  EASIER!  And easier for them, makes it harder for me.   Harder for me to do my job.  Harder for me to live my life.  Harder for me to raise my child.  Why?  Because every emergency is now my emergency. Most are not emergencies.  Most are a manipulation of friendship and kindness.  The call first thing in the morning that says “I can’t get a hold of dental, can you tell them to call me?”  Uh…no.  I can’t.  Or the instant message that says “Hey.  Can I get some band aids.” Or “What time is my appointment?”  NO!  NO!!  NO!!!!  I was nice to you and you complimented my shoes once. But you don’t get the privilege of stopping my entire FUCKING day because you are too cheap or too helpless to take care of yourself!!! You most certainly DO NOT have the entitlement to assume that I should take care of you.  DO IT YOURSELF!!!

I don’t want to wake my kid up before the sun rises anymore.  I don’t want to get to work to find out the rules have changed.  Again.   I don’t want to spend my lunch hour at my desk, trying to make up for all the work I didn’t do because I was doing something that wasn’t part of my job.  I don’t want to assume I can’t do any better because I’m being showered with false idol worship.  I don’t want to hear “you are the best at what you do.”  Or “You can work magic.”  I don’t want to come home and not be able to talk to my child, because I have already talked to so many needy grown “children” during the day that I can’t tolerate a real child.  I’m tired of it.  I’m so fucking tired.  I used to pride myself on the fact that I had only one boss.  Now I have 1,300 bosses.  And none of them have to be held accountable for themselves.  But I have to be accountable for all of them.  I think this is where enough become ENOUGH!!!! 

-Inner Peas