My buddy, Dan Pearce, writes this blog called Single Dad Laughing. Ok. He’s
not really my friend. In fact, we’ve
never met. Even more, he has no idea who
I am. But he does write a blog. And it is called Single Dad Laughing. But I
do read it sometimes. And usually, I
appreciate what he has to say about raising his son in joint custody with his
ex-wife, being single, and being forced to laugh at life’s glaring irony. Even though we aren’t actually friends, I
consider us to be peers in life’s proverbial game of checker. He’s a single parent. So am I.
He writes a blog. Me too! He’s funny and insightful and witty. Well, I think that goes without saying that I
am all of those things as well. He has
300,000 subscribers. I have 120 likes on
Facebook. We have a lot in common. So, henceforth, I will refer to him as my
buddy Dan.
So, anyway, the other day, my buddy Dan wrote a blog titled “So…You
Want To Date A Single Dad.” The post was
wildly popular among his followers. It
was especially captivating to his female constituency. He got thousands of responses to that
post. Most of which, came from women who
had either married/dated/sexed single fathers or wanted to have his babies
because he’s a single dad. Again, Dan-O (I
call him Dan-O because he’s my buddy) and I have a lot in common, so I related
to what he was saying about the struggles of dating while raising a child, extensively
on your own. He was spot on, for the
most part. He talked about how a single
dad is hard to date because he talks, incessantly, about his children. I get that.
Single mom’s do that, too. He
talked about the upstanding character of a single dad. They are care givers and nurturers and
providers. That resonated with me,
too! So, are single mom’s! “Perfect,” I thought. “This guy get’s it!”
And he does. He gets
it. He understands being a single
parent. He appreciates what it’s like to
try to raise a child and give a go at dating.
He said all sorts of great things.
Like looking sloppy and being late and having priorities that come
before dating. He said things that ALL
single parents think and feel but don’t ever announce publically. But the more I read, the more I realized he
doesn’t get it. At all. Because he’s a single dad. And single dads are revered. Single dads are respected. Single dads get laid all the time. So, he doesn’t “get” what it’s like to be a
single mom.
Now, forgive me, as I delve into the abyss of gender
inequality. I hope by now, you know me
well enough to know that I am not a crazy feminist on a soapbox. I also hope that you know me well enough to
know that the way that I live my life is a direct reflection of how I raise my
child. Largely, by myself. I am NOT a supermom. I am NOT a super hero. I am, MOSTLY, super dysfunctional. But, I am a mom. I am a single mom. And I would never have the audacity to tell
you that I am a really good mom.
Instead, I spend my time telling you that I am a dysfunctional
mother. I say that because it’s true and
I own what I am. But, still, I need to
take a couple of words to defend myself, and other single mothers out there,
who are just like I am.
I’ve been on dates.
Not many. But I’ve been out. I do things.
I like men. But men don’t always
like me. And I get it. They don’t always like me for a reason. It’s been pretty well beaten into my head
that single moms are only looking for one thing: A paycheck to raise their babies. Single moms are always poor. They are always on welfare or collecting subsistence
from the state. They are always getting
knocked up out of wedlock, by men with good paying jobs and nice cars and fancy
houses, so that they can reel in a ‘catch” who will support their children and
the lifestyles they can’t afford. That’s
how most men see single mothers. So, men
who date single moms are cautious. So,
single moms have to be equally as cautious.
They have to wonder if they are talking too much about their
children. They have to overcompensate
for what they do. Not the care giving or
nurturing part of what they do. Dating
moms have to minimize that part of what they do, but they have to emphasize the
providing part of what they do. A single
mom, out on a date with a man can’t say “I spend 25 minutes with my kid
earlier, showing him how to take off his thumb.” No, a single mom has to tell her date how she
pays her own rent, insurance, car payment, and child care in order to make him
realize she isn’t going out with him because of his paycheck. But, after she validates herself by paying
her own bills, she wonders “did he think I was complaining about that? I wasn’t!!!
I just was trying to let him know that I’m self sufficient!” Then she thinks, “Oh, that was too much.” Only she doesn’t what was too much. Was it all the kid talk or was it all of the
self-sufficiency talk? WHAT WAS IT??? Ok…He’s never calling back again. “Wish I hadn’t put out for all of nothing.”
Ok. So, my buddy Dan
and I differ in our dating experiences.
But he does have some good points about how single parents interact with
other people. He talked about how single
parents show up late all the time. And
how they are usually disheveled when they do finally make it to their
destinations. I totally understand
that. Of course, he was talking about
dates. I’m more talking about getting to
work. I usually show up 5-15 minutes
late because I have to get my kid to school.
After getting his teeth brushed and deciding on the right clothes and
waiting for the teacher to show up at 7:AM. After all of that has been dealt
with, I walk into work, already feeling defeated, only to have someone say “Rough
night, Miss Angela? Did you sleep in
that?” To which I respond with “it’s a glamorous
life!”And I feign a laugh.
Now, make no mistake.
My buddy Dan and I have a lot in common.
I get what he says. In fact, I
aspire to be more like Dan-O. I want to
write like he does. I want to be able to
spend all of my days off with my child.
I want to date hot singles on match.com.
But I can’t do all of that.
Why? Because I am a single mom
trying to beat the stereotype. So, I can’t
write about how much I love my kid when he’s sitting on my lap, demanding that
I help him build that train set from Christmas.
Or when he’s telling me that he wants to catch frogs in the rain. I would love to spend all my days off with
Radley, only his dad gets to do that, because my days off are his, too. I won’t go on match.com, because all of the
single men in my age group are playing x-box in their mother’s basement. I don’t want anything about that. So, for now, I’ll just keep doing the single
mom thing. I won’t tell you I’m a good
mom. I won’t tell you why you are
missing out on by not dating me. I won’t
tell you how I can fulfill your life if
you do. For now, I will just keep doing
what I’m doing. I will keep paying my
bills. I will keep supporting my son. I will keep teaching him important
values. I will keep saying “fuck” a
lot. That will probably result in many
more trips to the principal’s office, with a look of shame on my face, after my
child repeats my words. I will keep having sex with my vibrator until
I find a man who really gets it.
-Inner Peas
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