Some people trust that everything will turn out OK. It doesn’t matter what you do. It doesn’t matter where you go. They just believe that everything will take
care of itself. I am not one of those
people. I am not an “everything happens
for a reason” kind of person. I am not a
“it’ll all be OK” type of girl. I am a “holyfuckingshit…how
do I make this right” kind of girl. Some
people might think it’s because I’m a pessimist. Some people might believe it’s because I’m a
realist. Nobody has ever accused me of
being an optimist…But I think it’s because I believe in Karma. You know.
You reap what you sow. The yin
and the yang. Tit for tat. I don’t really know what that means, but I’m
sure there’s some fascinating historical reference to accompany it. Anyway,
that may be the reason I think about everything. Because I believe there is a balance in life
that must be maintained.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
I’m not saying that I don’t believe that bad things don’t happen to good
people. They do. And sometimes, shit goes wrong, without
explanation. On the other hand, good
things happen to bad people, too. AND,
on occasion, everything goes RIGHT. To
me, that’s just as confusing as when everything goes wrong. That’s just the way I think. Now, I won’t take you too far into the fun
house that is the inside of my brain, but essentially, I think this way because
I believe that life is about balance.
So, why all of this talk about balance? I think it has a lot to do with the sick
child, sleeping on my living room floor.
It probably also has to do with the puke bucket that I’ve had the
pleasure of washing out 12 times since 10:AM.
I got a call at work this morning, around 9:30. Liz, at the school, told me “Radley is so
sick.” And the first thing that crossed
my mind is “AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Of course
he is. My desk looks like the records
fairy took a shit on it and we have an inspection next week.” Then, as I walked into the school office, ten
minutes later, and I saw my sick little boy throwing up into a trash can, I
thought “Jesus supermom. Look at your
sick kid. And all you had to worry about
was your job.” Hold your applause. It gets better. I was going to take him back to work with me,
so I could get my work done. Also, so he
could puke all over that place, too. At
least there are other sick people there.
It’s not like he’d be alone. As
we were making the half a mile trip from school to work, he threw up
twice. Then, this panic came over
me. We pulled into the parking lot,
Radley told me he didn’t want to go in with me.
Obviously, I wasn’t going to keep him at work while he was yaking his
guts out. But, that’s when I knew he was
really sick. He ALWAYS wants to go in to
work with me. Everybody talks to
him. He draws them pictures. He talks to patients. Sometimes, in exam rooms. The docs frown on that, but everyone else is
usually pretty cool about it. He loves
it there. Because he’s always the most
popular guy in the building. Anyway, he
didn’t want to go in.
So, I started hyperventilating. I told my boss I would be back. I have work to do. I needed to standby during training today. How am I going to explain this? I guess I could have just taken him inside
and let him puke on them, but instead, I just took a few minutes to figure it
all out and make good with everything.
But this is the point: You have
to have a balance. People like to say
things like “family always comes first.”
And “You’re children grow up quickly, you don’t have forever with them.” And while that is ABSOLUTELY the truth, and
you shouldn’t take the people you love for granted. However, you can’t provide for the people you
love if you don’t have an income. That’s
what I realized today, with a child sicker than I have ever seen him before, lethargic
on the living room floor. As I sat there
and rub bed his back and my heart broke as he couldn’t put together a sentence
to tell me what he needed, I realized that he is the most important thing in my
life. But I would never be able to take
care of him if I didn’t go to work.
It didn’t’ make me feel a lot better, but that realization
made me feel a little better about weighing the concerns in my day. If I didn’t care about my job, we wouldn’t
have a living room floor to come home to pass out on when he’s sick. I think that’s what social scientists refer
to as a “work-life” balance. There’s
also a life-life balance. If I didn’t
care about myself, and my well being, Radley might have a roof over his head,
but he wouldn’t have any safe outlet to express himself in. If he didn’t go to school or out to play with
his friends, he would never have anything to come home and talk about.
I know it all seems so simple. There is no one part of your life that can
consume all of who you are, but I have had really hard time dedicating myself
to the “most important” thing in my life.
Obviously, that’s my child.
Providing for my child is part of what is important. Taking care of myself is also important. I have so much guilt. I want to be the best mommy I can be. I want to be the best employee I can be. I want to be the best friend, daughter,
neighbor, citizen I can be. I also want
to be the best me I can be. I realized
today, I can’t be the best everything. So,
either I can settle for being the best at one, and mediocre at everything
else. Or I can just do my best at all of
them and hope it all works out in the end.
Is that balanced?
I don’t ever try to get to high, because I know where the bottom
is. There’s a happy place, somewhere in
the middle for everyone. That’s just
realism. Also, I try not to expect to
find the good in the world. I’d rather
be surprised by it than be disappointed in what’s not actually there. That may be pessimism. But still, I prefer to think of it as
balance. And this is the thing about
seeking balance: You don’t necessarily
have to assume the worst, but you should never hope for the best either. There’s an acceptable place in the
middle. Naturally, nobody wants to be in
the middle. But nobody wants to be at
the bottom, either. Most of us want to
be high above all of that. That’s just
unrealistic. If we were meant to find a
place at the top, we’d all be there already.
Then we’d be fighting about who’s on a higher high, instead of who’s at
the lowest low.
That’s why I seek balance.
It’s the shortest distance between two points.
-Inner Peas
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