Some days, I am at peace. Those are the days when conversation comes easy and smiling is natural. There are some times that I can sit at stare up at the sky and feel comfortable with my place in the universe. There are evenings that a glass of Pinot and James Taylor and a little boy’s inquisitive grin are all I need to feel at home. Then, there are some days when I feel real anxious. There are times when I feel awkward with whoever I talk to. There are nights when I look into a starry sky and wonder what the purpose is. Those are days I can’t stop my mind from going to dangerous places. Those are the times that I struggle with. Even though we all know life is about balance, learning how to stabilize the comfort and the insecurity is a daunting challenge.
Resistance
Like most people, I feel an insatiable connection to fighting to feel good. Unlike others, I don’t see the purpose in feeling good unless it’s warranted. In other words, feeling good is a product of doing good…You know, because you earn what you get, you get what you give. It’s karma 101. Anyway, even though I want to feel good, I’m resistant to the idea that I deserve it. So, instead of putting my best foot forward and accepting happiness as it comes, I question happiness when it presents itself. There’s a lot of psychology here. My therapist is really happy I pay cash. I’m pretty sure that I’m somebody’s dissertation in the making. There is a scholarly journal just waiting for me to grace it’s pages…That’s the kind of crazy I am…Psychology Now crazy. The kind of crazy that fights happiness.
Defiance
My girlfriends have asked me no less than one gazillion times “Angela. WHAT. THE. FUCK? Why do you still love him?” The previous answer was “because he’s so different. He’s tortured and anguished but I see how deep he is.” It wasn’t until recently I finally said “Look. I still love John because he has already devastated me. He’s broken. He’s impaired. But he’s already shattered my soul. There’s no way that he can hurt me more than he already has.” Silence. Except for the noise four heads make when they nod in agreement. Many people have asked me “Ang. Why are you still fighting for a job that has no allegiance to you, when you can do something better?” My answer is always the same “Because I love it here. Even if they don’t love me back.” But since I got some job security, I now answer with “I don’t look for something else because rejection is worse than neglect.” Again, silence. Except for the sound you hear when people don’t want to admit they understand your fears. Recently, my hippie sister said to me “so, you don’t deserve anything? That’s why you defy happiness?” Yes ma’am. You are correct. While I love the days that bring laughter and solace, I never embrace them. Because I am not certain that I deserve them. And you don’t want to fuck with Karma. She’s a spiteful bitch. She will cut you when you get too confident or feel too entitled. I’ve been burned by Karma a lot. So, I never want her to see that I’m getting too comfortable. Because she knows I don’t deserve it.
Defeat
Once you accept defeat, you are pretty much committed to it. You can’t ever acknowledge victory, or for that matter, even consider it an option. Defeat is defeat. Yer done. Unless you have beautiful, amazing wonderful people who won’t ever let you be done. People who don’t ever acknowledge your defeat, even if you swear by it. How can you ever resist happiness when you have people who make you smile? How can you struggle when you have so many people on your side? How can you ever be defeated if you have people who believe in you?
-Inner Peas
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