A Lesson In Accountability

Accountability: 

We generally understand the word “accountability” to mean accepting responsibility for one’s OWN behavior.  Anyone who has met me knows that I hold hundreds of people accountable for their actions on a daily basis.  Nobody pulls a fast one on this girl.  Your snot, your stubbed toe, your acne is never an acceptable excuse for poor behavior.  Your allergies or your hypoglycemia are no justification for not doing your job.  Get back to work.  Oh yeah.  And wash your hands.  Because if you practice good hygiene, you won’t get sick.  It’s common sense, people… 

And in addition to all of this behavioral policing I do, I am also an excellent steward of the tax dollar and the environment.  I understand the social and environmental implications of a wasteful lifestyle.  I live minimally.  Food, shelter, clothing…wine.  You know, the necessities.  I’m kind of a model citizen. 

Pretense:

Let’s be honest, with all of this good stewardship and citizenship I perpetuate regularly, I should probably be recognized, if not rewarded.  Substantially.   After all, I am molding formative young lives into productive members of the community!  The future of the entire universe hinges solely on my contributions to society.  There’s got to be some sort of award for this, right? 

 

Disparity? 

The funny thing about writing is that when you start with a thesis, inevitably, you have to refine, rewrite, and reevaluate what you are trying to say.  If you can’t convince yourself, it is going to be impossible to get anyone else onboard with your argument.  For example, when I tell you that I don’t let other people bullshit me and I hold them accountable for their behavior, you probably believe me.  At first.  Because I present a pretty solid case in my defense.  Some of you may have even seen me in action.  But my argument is debunked when you realize that I’m not holding myself accountable.  And neither is anyone else.  So, for a while, I can dazzle you with all sorts of glamorous talk of good citizenship and stewardship and saving the world.  At some point, though, you will start to question the validity of my rhetoric.  At least, I hope you will. 

Knowing:  Is it really half the battle? 

Now, please do not misunderstand…I am my biggest critic.  I will be the first person to confess my shortcomings.  I’m pushy.  Demanding.  Overbearing.  Entitled.  Lonely.  Sad.  Terrified.  And I’m kind of an attention whore.  But don’t tell anyone...At least I know my personality defects, right?  I’m not afraid to tell you.  And knowing IS half the battle.  But the other half is really hard.  So, maybe it’s cool if I walk around like an asshole, because at least I’m half way to fixing it.  That’s probably good enough…

Accountability (Yes, I said it twice.) 

NO.  It’s not good enough.  So, I guess it’s my turn now…my turn to hold myself accountable for my decisions.  It’s clearly not going to be easy.  But I’m committed to the effort.  And if I’m not committed to the effort, then I’ll probably be committed to an institution. 

 I am open to thoughts and suggestions that may help me on this journey.  Just not too many.  I’m easily overwhelmed.  And don’t be too critical.  I get real offended by rejection.  And if you could, just make sure that you validate my emotions.  I appreciate affirmation…

 

The Storm

The Storm:

There is a moment in every meltdown where the seas calm and the skies part and there is a moment of clarity.  A moment when you have to decide, emotionally, if the storm has passed, or if you are just sitting in the eye of the hurricane.  Unlike real storms, the emotional storm gives us the power to determine what comes next.  The emotional storm isn’t left up to Mother Nature; it leaves us up to our own devices.  And generally, we have the good sense to see that we are being offered an opportunity to allow the storm to subside without suffering too much emotional capitol loss.  But sometimes…sometimes…we just can’t let the storm dissipate.  Sometimes we have to make sure it causes catastrophic damages that will cost us more than any natural disaster ever could.  And that is where I was.  So, I did what any self-destructing entity would do:  I unleashed the wrath of my emotional tsunami on the people who I care about the most.  Because hurting people before they have the opportunity to hurt you is the most productive way to ensure you never have to let anyone get close enough to love or be loved. 

Self-Destruct:

This is the thing:  When you are hell bent on ruining your own emotional well-being and destroying everything you love, you are going to do it.  It doesn’t matter how many opportunities the universe gives you to rethink your decision, you will still ignore all of the warning signs.  You will disregard all better judgment.  You will dedicate every fiber of your being to making sure you devastate yourself and the lives of those who love you.  It may seem counterproductive to anyone with half an ounce of sanity.  But when you are ready and willing to unleash crazy on the world, sanity, conveniently, has stepped away from its desk.  Indefinitely.  Sanity’s smoke break only ends after self-destruction has made a definitive and unrelenting appearance. 

So, as soon as reason re-enters the picture, it assess the scene, activates EMS, and begins CPR on your life.  Just as in many emergency situations, there are casualties.  If you haven’t squandered too much time, you may be able to salvage some relationships.  But the relationship you need to be most committed to saving is the one you have with yourself.  And sometimes, it takes being faced with loss before you realize what you have.  Too much cliché? 

The Reminder:

I have promised a lot of people a lot of things.  And generally, I follow through.  But the one person I never follow through with is myself.  Last year I promised myself that I would spend more time living, loving and laughing.  And I promised I would write.  Because words are my gift.  But I haven’t done any of that.  Instead I hid from those things that were important.  And even though, to date, I haven’t done any of those things for myself, I have expected others to do them for me. 

A New Beginning:    

Today, I will begin.  I will begin to love more.  To laugh more.  To live more.  Most importantly, I will do all of those things while I write.  It won’t always be heavy and poignant.  I hope it will mostly be about love and laughter.  But today, I am committing to myself, and to the people I love, that I will make good on those promises. 

Welcome: 

Welcome to inner peas.  Because very few of us can find peace within ourselves.  But we can all find peas in our garden.  If we take the time to plant.