What I find most interesting is that so many people believe I am a hero. Yes I have gone out in the worst storms and been part of rescue crews, yes I have been in the Bering Sea when fishermen and sea captains call out for help, but I've always just believed that it's part of my job. You see I'm in the Coast Guard and that's what we do, we go out when no one else will to save life and property. I've been doing this for nearly 20 years now but That doesn't make me a hero. I don't even have a cape, although that would be cool.
No one sees heroes as weak, sad or someone who would give up. Over the last 3 years I have hit some really difficult times, the faces of those I could not save haunt my dreams and all to often I believe I should have been one of the many deaths the Coast Guard has endured. I've narrowly escaped crashes, aircraft mishaps and close calls landing on the back of ships. Most recently though I tried to take my own life because I didn't believe I was worth the air I was breathing, and I fully believed I was a failure in every area of my life. I've been diagnosed with major depression (duh), multiple anxieties and PTSD. And yet I still have people telling me I'm strong and special and that I have helped them understand themselves more because of what I have shared with them. They say I have been a hero because of everything I have overcome and how I'm sharing my story.
While I have been recovering and learning to live again, after my own mind betrayed me and I no longer believed I belonged among the living, I have shared much of my story with others so maybe they wouldn't reach the same place in their life. I have traveled and shared,with hundreds of folks, what I know about suicide from the standpoint of a survivor of an attempt. I don't see this as an act of heroism or that it's terribly special. I just do it because I hope I will reach just one person who is on the verge of giving up. Nothing special there.
I still stumble, I struggle, and I still want to crawl in a hole and give up sometimes. I feel weak and don't want to show the vulnerability I thought I had embraced. I don't want to feel and I don't want to say good bye to the friends I've made and the support network I have relied on for the last 2 years. I don't believe I can handle the change and the challenge that sits in front of me. I am struggling right now with staying engaged in my world. I am isolating from those who are most important and starting to push away. Doesn't sound like the acts of a hero or even someone with strength to me.
What I do want, is to say Thank You to all those people who have stood by me, never given up on me and have cheered me on when I've chosen to bring my story forward. I want to show every one of them that they have been my heroes and I could not have made it through the last 2 years without them. These special folks have loved unconditionally, provided tough love when I needed a kick in the pants, and been the shoulder to cry on when I could not hold it together.
So from one supposed super hero to the true heroes in my life I say thank you
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