I'm Scared

A week or two ago, I had a friend in my office.  We were exchanging pleasantries and talking life and the fuckedupness that it is, as we usually do. He was admiring the the bulletin board behind me.  He laughed at the big "fuck yous" I had pinned up.  Then he said "Really?  You have Murdoch and Napoleon Dynamite?"   I do actually have autographed pictures of Jon Heder and Dwight Schultz on my bulletin board.  Courtesy of a very dedicated comic-con colleague.

But on this particular day, my friend made mention of something most people don't understand. He asked me about about the most important thing on my board.  At the very top of my bulletin board are two words:   Matthew.  Sers.  He looked at me and said, very flatly:  Matthew Sers.

I started to tell him the story, as I knew it, about Matt Sers. I said "this kid was incredible.  He was an artist.  He  was the only person who ever shared his art to me.  He drew a picture of a GIANT robot killing a robot army.  Very symbolic. I loved it.  He ended up eating a 9mm round.  He killed himself hours after her reported to his next unit."  I looked at Jay.  Jay looked at me.  It was at that point that my friend stopped me and said "I know him."

In my mind, I'm like "Yeah, you know him.  I've been talking about this kid for years."  But no.  NO. Jay actually KNEW this kid.  From the time they were kids.  And Jay said to me "He grew up two houses down from me."  Everything went silent.  All of it.  Then there was noise inside my head.  Not loud noise, more of a dull drawl.  The kind of noise that you just want to stop.  The kind of noise you want to scream at "STOP!!!"  But, all I could say was "SHUT.  THE.  FUCK.  UP."

Jay said "no."  He also said not only did we both end up in the Coast Guard, we both served on AQUIDENCK at Patrol Forces Southwest Asia (PATFORSWA.)  Two kids from a DC suburb, 12 years apart, two houses separating them, both ended up serving at the exact same unit.   Go fucking figure, right?

So ,why am I scared?   Is it because a kid who had everything going for him felt so hopeless that he succumbed to the madness?  Is it because the kid who had nothing but a marginal golf course job made a surf star of himself?

-Inner Peas

Life of A Not-So-Super Hero

What I find most interesting is that so many people believe I am a hero. Yes I have gone out in the worst storms and been part of rescue crews, yes I have been in the Bering Sea when fishermen and sea captains call out for help, but I've always just believed that it's part of my job. You see I'm in the Coast Guard and that's what we do, we go out when no one else will to save life and property. I've been doing this for nearly 20 years now but That doesn't make me a hero.  I don't even have a cape, although that would be cool.

No one sees heroes as weak, sad or someone who would give up. Over the last 3 years I have hit some really difficult times, the faces of those I could not save haunt my dreams and all to often I believe I should have been one of the many deaths the Coast Guard has endured.  I've narrowly escaped crashes, aircraft mishaps and close calls landing on the back of ships. Most recently though I tried to take my own life because I didn't believe I was worth the air I was breathing, and I fully believed I was a failure in every area of my life. I've been diagnosed with major depression (duh), multiple anxieties and PTSD. And yet I still have people telling me I'm strong and special and that I have helped them understand themselves more because of what I have shared with them. They say I have been a hero because of everything I have overcome and how I'm sharing my story.
     
While I have been recovering and learning to live again, after my own mind betrayed me and I no longer believed I belonged among the living, I have shared much of my story with others so maybe they wouldn't reach the same place in their life.  I have traveled and shared,with hundreds of folks, what I know about suicide from the standpoint of a survivor of an attempt.  I don't see this as an act of heroism or that it's terribly special. I just do it because I hope I will reach just one person who is on the verge of giving up. Nothing special there.
     
I still stumble, I struggle, and I still want to crawl in a hole and give up sometimes. I feel weak and don't want to show the vulnerability I thought I had embraced.  I don't want to feel and I don't want to say good bye to the friends I've made and the support network I have relied on for the last 2 years. I don't believe I can handle the change and the challenge that sits in front of me.  I am struggling right now with staying engaged in my world.  I am isolating from those who are most important and starting to push away.  Doesn't sound like the acts of a hero or even someone with strength to me.

What I do want, is to say Thank You to all those people who have stood by me, never given up on me and have cheered me on when I've chosen to bring my story forward.  I want to show every one of them that they have been my heroes and I could not have made it through the last 2 years without them. These special folks have loved unconditionally, provided tough love when I needed a kick in the pants, and been the shoulder to cry on when I could not hold it together.

So from one supposed super hero to the true heroes in my life I say thank you

The Week

Social Commentary

I had a few moments of existential clarity today.  Not that I don't usually have a couple of moments like that during the day.  But today, I had several of them in a row.  Like in order.  Not just misplaced universal interjections.  They were consecutive.  So, it wasn't just a fleeting thought like "why are birds so loud?"  or "I need to cut the grass." It wasn't just here and gone.  It has been a while since I have had one of those days; one of the days when you remember connectedness and the whole and the greater vision of humanity.  I had one of those days.  And I'm kind of excited about it.  It means that I'm completely fucking lost.

Anyway, while I have been basking in the magnificence of my momentary clarity, I have scraped together a few thoughts on the state of planet Earth based on this weeks "headlines." I don't generally use this forum as social, economic, or political tool.  It's happened before, but I try to stick with bad sex and life's cruel sense of humor.  However, in light of my complete lack of sex and life's perpetual reminder that it's a horrible comedian, we are going to have a little social commentary here tonight.

Maryland  

I have largely remained silent about the unrest in Baltimore.  Starting last Monday, we switched the TVs at work to the Game Show Network and the Weather Channel.  I''m pretty sure that was a managerial decision because they didn't want patients to hear my political diatribes about inequity and injustice.  Which is moot anyway, because the coroner and the district attorney have already made their decisions based on facts.  But more importantly, the crisis in Baltimore is yet another representation of what is so very wrong with this country.

To be fair, I grew up the illegitimate child of two hippie parents.  I didn't understand how dichotomous race, status and gender issues were.  My parents were on drugs and truly believed that equality was a thing.    At least that's what they taught me to believe.  So, you can probably imagine my disbelief the first time I heard a black person say they felt marginalized.  Because I was raised to believe that we are all supposed to have equal opportunities and to love each other...Oh look, a butterfly.

I will never forget that afternoon, in that upstairs classroom at College of Alameda.  For the record, that was the first time I realized I was a privileged, white asshole.  So, naturally, privileged, white assholes kind of put me on edge.  I'm also unnerved by people who respond to violence with violence.  I would much rather people talk about the actual problems:  Injustice and Inequity.  And fear.  I would like to hear people talk about those things without being hateful.  On EVERY SIDE.

Everest

It was with thoughts of civil imbalance in Baltimore, that my mind gravitated to another tragedy:  Geographical instability in Nepal.  While I'm thinking about Baltimore, this fucking catastrophie in Nepal is making an appearance in my cognition.  I kept thinking about the initial 700 casualties compared to the more than 10,000 estimated now.  I thought about the people who refuse to re enter their homes or dwellings because they aren't stable enough to maintain another aftershock.  I think about the people who will never be accounted for.  And again, I think to Baltimore.  Where the death count is currently zero as a result of the riots.  All day, I tried to make sense out of both.  I couldn't.

I had a quiet Friday, and I needed somebody to make some sense for me.  So I texted my friend Drew.  I said "They are estimating close to 15,000 dead in Nepal.  That's a lot.  Why aren't we talking about that.  And Drew, being very pragmatic, said "Because Nepal has no consequence in our lives."  Oh.  Ok.  I see.  He then told me "Most people can't point out Nepal on a map."  I said, "Let's be honest, A lot people in this country can't point Baltimore out on a map of Baltimore."

Drew was right, though.  Nepal is of very little meaning to us.  We want to feel sad for the poor people who are suffering and Facebook asks me every day for donations, so they can match my contribution.  But, unless you are a renegade, douche bag hell  bent on scaling the face of Mt. Everest, Nepal means nothing to us.  They are poor and brown and Hindu.  They aren't privileged white assholes.  We have no need for them.  We don't really need to care.  Just to be clear, you can replace the word "white" with the word "American."  Because if you riot in your neighborhood to make a point, regardless of your gender, status or race, you are privileged.

The Symbol

Speaking of privilege, I have been hearing a lot about flag stomping and how it's viral on the internet. I didn't hear shit about it until people got so angry about it, they started making threats to people who were doing it.  Again, I don't have cable and I'm only exposed to the Game Show Network.  But if it was that big of a deal, I probably would have heard about it with a means other than Facebook.  You would have, too.

This isn't a patriotism issue.  You can't question my patriotism.  I have served my country.  As did four generations that preceded me.   After I was done serving my country, I continued to serve those who serve for more than a decade afterword.  The issue isn't patriotism.  The issue is divisiveness.  Stop generating hate where there is no hate to be had.  If you are going to get mad over a symbol, get mad that the 49ers have committed to a black uniform.  It's the same thing, it's just a symbol.  The flag isn't who we are.  It's not what we do.  It only represents where we pay our taxes.

Don't pledge Allegiance to the flag.  Pledge Allegiance to each other.  That's real patriotism.

Independent

The week in review ends here; it ends with Bernie Sanders.  I'm a little giggly and a little hopeful here.  But Bernie Sanders (I-VT), has decided to make a chase at the Presidency.  He won't win.  But this is WIN for my people.  It means that he has enough influence to make people listen.  He's also a privileged, white asshole. But he believes in health care and education and jobs and veterans and the environment.    That''s what we are all looking for in a candidate.  He won't win.  He doesn't have corporate sponsorship.  Again, this is a win for my people.  I love that he is making his point.

Done

That was a lot of thinking and talking.  I haven't been able to do that in a while.  But think about this week.  We can do better.  Personally.  Professionally.  Socially.  We can do better.  This week is proof of that.

-Inner Peas