Live

A few months ago, I was having a real hard time finding a work-life balance.  Actually, I had been having a real hard time with that for a few years before that.  I was letting my life be dictated by the circumstances of my employment.  By the responsibility that I had.  By the unpredictable nature of my job.  By the pressure to be everything to everyone.  As my job became more and more complicated with unreasonable expectations from internal and external factors, I became less and less capable of dealing with anything outside of work.  That meant that I was too overwhelmed to go anywhere after work.  It meant that my child became bound to the confines of our neighborhood.  It meant that any social interaction that happened outside of work was pretty much confined to my yard or kitchen.  We were both suffering because of that. 

And that’s how my life was happening.  Waking up too early.  Going to work.  Coming home.  Throw in some microwave dinners and a bottle of wine.  Baths and stories.  Some broken sleep.  That’s where I was.  But a few months ago, when I had finally reached the place where I was throwing up in the bathtub every morning, overwhelmed with the anxiety of going to work and the threat of permanently isolating my six year old, I decided to make a change.  I decided to do the job I am paid to do, and not the other five jobs that I’m not paid for.  As soon as I made that decision, weird things started happening. 

I started going out after work.  To the grocery store.  To softball games.  To dinner with my girlfriends.  For fuck sake, I took five consecutive days off to go visit with people I love and enjoy.  I started doing things that, well you know, things that real people do.  I was doing those things with a different sort of life; a different expectation.  Instead of going out because I felt obligation, I was doing them to enjoy life.  That was the first time in five years I had been able to do that.  Just enjoy. 

But the thing about learning how to live life, is that the old expectations and demons always find a way to creep back in.  So, you start enjoying life a little too much, and you remember that happiness is not normative behavior.  When hurdles present themselves, you forget that you can, actually, leap over them.  When work gets too serious, you forget that your job isn’t the only facet of your life.  Then the overwhelming fear of simply living creeps back in.  That started happening again.  Too much obligation, too much responsibility, too much asinine bullshit.  TOO FUCKING MUCH!!!  So much, that I had passed out in the shower yesterday morning and cracked my head on the side of the tub, only to wake up naked and tangled and near drowning.  For what? 

Today I was at a party.  A fun party.  With people I respect and trust.  But at the two hour point, I was out.  I gave hugs and kisses and dismissed myself, on the premise that I just can’t be with people for more than two hours.  If nothing, I’m honest.  As I drove home, though, I felt this overwhelming guilt.  Guilt for not being able to stay and support my girl and celebrate her husband’s birthday.  Oh the fucking guilt.  So much that I almost got back in the car and went back.  Then I saw this “Enjoy life everyone.  It’s worth it.” 

As soon as I saw those words on the interwebs, I texted my friend.  My text read “’Enjoy life.  It’s worth it.’  I’m gonna write about that shit.”  He said “I hope you do.  The story is pretty amazing.”  We bantered back and forth for a little while.  The long and short of the story was that Tim had went to a Tough Mudder event to cheer on a buddy. He was just there for moral support. But when he got there, something changed. Something told him that he needed to participate.  So, without a change of clothes or a plan, he shelled out a couple hundred bucks, at the last minute, so he could run the course.   Then I read his experience from this morning.  “So there was this guy at the start of the run who was talking and it went like this ‘There was a tough mudder runner who died of cancer last year.  Don’t be sad.  DON’T YOU DARE FEEL SADNESSS.  Because when he was diagnosed in 2001, he made a choice.  He chose to live life.  He made a promise that every chance he had he would live life and do something new.  He made it 13 years and he lived those years to the fullest.  He would always say ‘when was the last time you did something for the first time?’” 

Wow.  Just wow.  Fucking wow.  We are all impermanent.  We are all mortal.  We all begin to die the day we are born.  Why does it take us so long to figure out that we were born to live, not to make a living?  Why are we so convinced that we need to suffer rather than enjoy?  When was the last time that you got to do something for the first time?  

-Inner Peas