STOP

My mom called me this afternoon.  She does that, sometimes.  We’re BFFs, so it’s not unusual for her number to show up on the caller ID.  But on a Sunday afternoon, she’s usually gardening and shopping and doing whatever else she does.  So, I was a little surprised to hear her voice on the other end of the phone.  I was even more surprised to hear her say “I need to talk to you about something.”  No child wants to hear their parent say that.  Usually, they are getting ready to tell you that you fucked up in a big way.  Or that they are disappointed in you.  So, when my mom said “I need to talk to you about something,” I wondered why I answered the phone in the first place. 

So, after we had talked about the good days that we’d had, she said “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you have been saying about marriage and how it’s not for you.”  Then she said “I wasn’t looking for love or marriage when I met Gene.  And it turned out to be the most remarkable love of my life.”  So, I sat silent.  Rolling my eyes as she talked.  Even on my best day, I still feel like a child with her.  Logically, because I am her child.  Anyway, she went on and on about how you never know what life has to offer and you never know what you will find in the world. And let’s don’t forget about the part when she told me about unexpected miracles.   She doesn’t usually do this with me, so I let her talk and I waited for the point.  I don’t actually know what the point was. 

Then she said “Angela, I honestly believe that I was destined, from the day I was born, to be married to Gene.  Please don’t rule anything out.”   Then I got it.  A few days ago, when  I told her that marriage isn’t for me.  Clearly, she was uncomfortable with that.  Kind of weird, seeing as she’s a hippie and all.  But, anyway.  After I listened to all of what she had to say, I said “Mom.  Stop selling it.  Stop selling me the dream.  That is not my dream.”  So.  She did momentarily while she listened to what I had to say. 

This is what I had to say:  “Mommy.  I know that you loved Gene.  I know that he loved you.  I watched your amazing love story evolve over 17 years.  I know that soul mates exist because I grew up with them.”  I was trying to tell her not to be offended that what she had isn’t want I want.  It was beautiful and rare, but it’s not what I WANT!!!!  She said, “But Angie, you were a really good wife.  You can be that again!”  NO!!!  NO!!! I absolutely was NOT a good wife.  I cooked dinner and I vacuumed the floors and made babies.  None of that made me a good wife.  My mom, the feminist hippie thinks that that made me a good wife.  AAAGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! 

I finished the conversation by saying “I love you mom.  Thank you for raising me in a home full of love and magic.”  When I hung up, I yelled, out loud, “STOP TRYING TO SELL ME YOUR SHIT!!!!”  I felt like I was talking to a telemarketer.   I don’t need a new vacuum.  I don’t need 50,000 airline miles.  I don’t need a significant other.  Your dream isn’t my dream.  And I know this for two reasons:  1.)  When I got married, so young and idealistic, I defended my marriage by telling the people I loved that I didn’t forfeit my dreams for marriage.  I had just found someone I wanted to live my dreams with.  2.)  Ten years into that marriage, in the middle of a dark and ugly night, the man I was so adamant about living those dreams with looked at me and stopped yelling long enough to say, “Angela.  What has happened to you?  What happened to the girl with dreams of swimming with the dolphins and building a house in the stars?” 

Yeah, so even the man I was going to make dreams come true with was disappointed that I abandoned my dreams.  Because it’s not for me.  He didn’t know it at the time.  I didn’t know it at the time.  But that was the beginning.  I’m sure his intention wasn’t to tell me that soul was lost.  In fact, I am quite certain that he meant to tell me that I should just find a way to be that girl again.  I know that because he’s told me that was his intention.  But that was the comment that ended our marriage.  He didn’t want to swim with the dolphins or build houses in the stars.  So, I bought new cars and new clothes and new houses.  I was still expected to dream of oceans and stars, though.  You can’t have it both ways.  You either dream or you conform. 

When I was talking to my mom, I realized that.  For years I’ve been thinking that I was a failure because I didn’t want to conform.  I’ve been thinking that the way I live, can’t possibly be right.  It’s because when I’m sad, people tell me I will find someone who will make me happy.  It’s because when I work hard, there’s always someone there to tell me that one day my hard work will pay off.  It’s because when I’m lonely, others always remind me that one day I will be complete.  With a house or a car or the best sex of my life.  So, to finally counter, I have only one thing to say:  STOP IT!!!!!! Knock that shit off.  Stop sheltering me from the real world.  Stop telling me that the way you live your life is the only way to live life. 

To the people I love who have found the loves of your lives, I applauded you and marvel in what you have found.  Everyday.  To those of you who have achieved success, I respect and appreciate your hard work.  To those of you who “just want me to be happy”,  I love you and honor our friendship.  But no union, no job, no well wishes are going to make me happy.  Too much of anything makes us ambivalent. I’ve been ambivalent for most of my life.   Because I grew up sheltered and spoiled.  That didn’t make me happy, so your way won’t make me happy either.  Only my way can make me happy.  So, while I love you all, please stop.  Stop.  Please stop telling me that I have to wait for more.  Please stop telling me that I need more.   Please stop telling me that I deserve more.  I’m good with what I’ve got.  You don’t have to sell me anything.